For those seeking intersex or transgender people
There are many people who would prefer to have relationships with transgender
or intersex people. Social stigmas against transgender persons and against
perceived homosexuality discourage some people from pursuing healthy relationships
with intersex or transgender people. Yet, there are intersexed and transgendered
people looking for loving relationships and there are people who want
relationships with them.
Etiquette
If the dating scene is filled with peril, the intersex/transgender dating
scene is even more perilous. The widespread lack of education about intersex
and transgender issues contributes to the added difficulty of finding
a partner. Following these basic points of good etiquette will make finding
that special person a better experience for all involved.
- Refer to the transgender or intersex person as the gender they prefer,
and use pronouns appropriate for their preferred gender.
- When intimately interested in transgender or intersex persons try
to make sex the last thing on your mind. Try to get to know the person,
their spirit, their interests. Be patient.
- Most transgender and intersex people will be sensitive, so take it
easy, be polite, and be a gentlemen or lady.
- Respect the intelligence of the person you are with. That goes for
everyone—transgendered, intersexed and other.
- Try to remember that just because the person is transgendered or intersexed
they are not exempt from the human race. They are not toys or fetishes;
they are people.
- Remember to have safe sex. There are many sexually transmitted diseases—herpes
of the mouth and genitals, HIV, AIDS, ghonnorea, and mono, just to name
a few. Regardless if you believe that the person is nice or you feel
you know them very well, or the person you are with is too intelligent
to get an STD, just remember that they may not know where they have
been or what they have picked up along the way, even though they may
feel healthy, wealthy, and wise. Do not forget, beautiful people get
sick too; just because you are beautiful does not mean you are indestructible.
Learn STD prevention—it never hurts to be safe.
- Leave your emotional baggage at home. That way you both have breathing
room and you will not trip over each other's emotions. Also, learn to
manage your anger and frustration.
- Relationships are both physical and emotional. Learn to give and take.
Do not expect a one-way relationship.
Etiquette is more than just a bunch of stuffy rules. Etiquette helps
people interact in a respectful and more enjoyable way, and helps people
know what to expect from each other.
Meeting & Dating
The process of meeting and dating is nothing unusual, except that transgender
and intersex people are a little harder to find and, perhaps, a little
more wary being taken advantage of. Make friends with intersex and transgender
people, meet new people, and eventually find someone you are compatible
with. Intersexed and transgender people lead very difficult lives, and
need a person who is compassionate and supportive. Be careful, as the
struggle to survive leads some trannies to be opportunistic. Intersexed
and transgender people come from all walks of life, and most just want
to find a long-term partner and settle down to a normal life.
Marriage
Though transgender people have been able to marry and receive full legal
rights as a married couple, many localities still do not allow transgender
people to legally marry. However, many couples live together and consider
themselves married in every aspect except legally. The legal issues surrounding
marriage for transgender and intersex persons is still very cloudy. Some
governments require a couple's birth certificates to show one M and one
F. It is possible to have birth certificates amended to reflect a person's
post-transition gender, though not all governments allow this—in
the United States a court can either grant or deny persons the ability
to amend their birth certificate and other records. Progress is being
made to allow transgender persons the right to legally marry . The Kansas
State Court of Appeals recently made a precedent-setting decision, declaring
that gender at the time of marriage is more important than chromosomes
at the time of birth. Issues surrounding the right to legally marry include
health benefits, property disputes in death or separation, hospital visitation
rights, taxes, etc. Some couples have been able to marry legally in gay
or lesbian relationships because of their transgender status. For example,
marriage is permitted between an MtF woman and a natal female, between
an FtM man and a natal male, and between an MtF woman and an FtM man,
because their birth certificates show one F and one M.
Although not all couples are allowed to
legally marry, there are things that couples who wish to marry can do
to secure their rights as a couple. Couples can make written contracts
stating what to do in case of emergency or death and what each person's
obligations and rights are with the other person. Contracts made between
two people are legally binding if signed and dated by both parties. Additional
legal value can be ensured by notarizing the contracts, and, if possible,
obtaining the assistance of a lawyer. While these contracts can not guarantee
the full range of benefits that the government extends to legally married
couples, contracts can be used to ensure several very important rights
between a couple. Couples can sign a contract granting Power of Attorney
to each other, which ensures that each partner will have visitation rights
if one is hospitalized, and will have power in life-or-death situations.
Each partner should also draw up a will and a living will to define community
property and what possessions should go to the surviving partner in case
of death. This will ensure that the surviving partner will not be stranded
if the state or next of kin attempt to claim property that should fall
to the partner. If children are involved they should be included in the
wills, contracts, and any other relevant legal documentation. As with
any marriage, these legally binding contracts should only be made between
two people committed to a long-term, healthy relationship with each other.
If the situation changes at a later date the contracts must be amended
to reflect any changes. As with any marriage, this is not something to
rush into nor can it be a quick fix for any troubles. Marriage is a long-term
commitment and must be respected as such.
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